Day 117 CJSM

Day 117

 

Carl pulling Sharon Kunzelmann into the pool when

she was fully clothed, right down to her red heels.

 

Yeah! I am a rebel, rascal, rogue, rapscallion! I’m good at it---I…practice!

Do? Well! We had this property on the bluff looking westward into neighboring Missouri for about thirty miles or so; I still miss those gorgeous sunsets after several decades. Umm! Umm!

 I put in a swimming pool (for the “kids”---me…being the biggest of the urchins). Anyway, we had some humdinger pool parties; “sometimes”, they say, I got a “little” out of control!

 Who!? Me!? I’m not crazy!? Well!---Maybe”...just a bit? Sometimes! Full-moon time!? Hmm! I always did wonder if those fences were to keep”them” in---or, “me”…out? Hmm!

Daughter Beth made friends with a cute little girl name of Sonja who just happened to be Mormon/ Now, I am tolerant (live and let live and all that such doings) and her mother’s religious preference had absolutely nothing to do with me throwing her “highness” in the deep end of the swimming pool that day I invited their family for a party, bar-b-que and swimming.

Living in the country, we had a fine herd of wild whitetail deer as friendly neighbors.

Our “guest” was dressed to the “9’s” or as close as one can get to that enviable pinnacle in my “country” neighborhood. Sculpted waves of dark hair coiffured to “stylish” excellence, crisp white button blouse, white, snug fitting, “tasteful” slacks with thin red belt and high heeled strap-on red shoes to complete the elegant ensemble; the petite manikin perfectly arranged for photos. Now? Tell me! Please! How could “simple-me” possibly know the lady could not swim a stroke?

That “little” boy demon in me came rushing forward; I already sensed the manner of the lady’s treatment of her spouse who seemed to have nothing to say. Her “highness” exuded an affluent attitude toward things in general---and, I sensed…me, in particular.

Polite “gentleman” that I am (or, can be), I got onto the diving board, wearing appropriate “pool” garb and pretended to see “deer” in the pasture across the creek. Getting excited, I pointed in an excited manner; soon, I had the full peanut-gallery’s attention---including…Miss Priss!

Oh! How she wanted to see the deer; I was ready, willing and able to show her. And, how!

As the “princess” naively   climbed onto the diving board behind me, being the exquisite “gentleman” that I aspire to be, one day, I politely grasped her wrists and “helped” the little deer “balance” on the springy, thin board so that she would not “accidentally” fall in the 8’ deep end and ruin that erudite, sophisticated presentation! Oh! Yeah!

As I walked backwards on the diving board, pulling my victim (er---I mean…”guest”) further along the plank (er---I mean…viewing platform), as God is my witness, I meant to let go of my “death-grip” hold on her. As I plunged into the water, having run out of diving board length, the last vision I saw as my head went under was the “fashion-model” Princess flailing her arms in a vain effort to regain her balance (and, dignity). I knew that I had gone too far---this time…again!

I stayed under as long as my breath held as I did not want to reap the consequences of my “innocent” prank-trick. Finally, choosing “punishment” over drowning, I surface.

Her “Elegance” bobbed to the surface, eye glasses askew, hair---ruined, clothes…fresh from the washing machine. She “swam” to the side---like an Olympian!...I never charged her for swimming lessons! As I tried in vain to look “innocent”, her little three year old daughter yelled and cried, pointing at “innocent” me because I had hurt her mommy. Who!? Me!? Her husband laughed so hard at her that I thought he might fall  in the pool, to (Oh! NO! Not another swimming lesson!?). I still believe my little “game” that fine summer sunny afternoon when I gave “needed” humble-swimming lessons to the lady precipitated their eventual divorce.

Looking every bit the part of a “drowned rat”, our newly designated “champion” swimmer had brought a chocolate cake to our little gathering by the pool with bar-b-que; her first fiat after escaping the a double-edged attempt of her own demise (drowning and the “Great white” shark a.k.a. swimming instructor!) let Simple I know that delicious chocolate cake was NOT to be consumed by the likes of me! Not a single crumb! And, after she dried off and donned some of 12-year old daughter Beth’s clothes (which regained “some” of her appropriated dignity), she kept her word; of course, being the rascal I am (or, was---years ago!) I snuck a big piece of the cake only to find that not only did she require swimming lessons---but…could have benefitted from my culinary skills, as well. (just a “polite” non-revengeful opinion). Actually, I joke, the cake was quite good! (Sort of like eating---crow…with your foot in your mouth!)

Our guest family had taken on an exchange student from Norway who we all called
Jay” because the erudite Americans could not linguistically master a Norwegian 15-letter handle.

 A few weeks after the expert, successful “swimming” lesson, the two families got together for a visit. Good ole “Jay” had a surprise in store for the swimming instructor---Yes!,,,Indeed!

Ole “Jay” had had his trusty 35 mm SLR camera on hand that infamous day and he had the pictures developed to “tell-the-truth” of the tale. (Damn! Foreigners! Can’t trust them!)

I, of course, and, quite naturally, had denied any “intent” to throw the fine lady into the pool.

Oh! Sure enough! I was accused by the suspect skeptics---but…I am innocent! I tell you!

Well!? The developed photos disclosed that even if I had relented in my grasping of her wrists---the relinquishing of her incarceration was…way beyond too late! Looked very “intentional”! My defense (not a confession-of-purposed-transgression)---How in hell can I teach a novice to swim like Michael Phelps…if I can’t get them into the water!? Amen!? Amen!

Like any “guest”-of-a-warden in a federal facility felon convicted by the obvious “evidence”, I offer my strident bellicose lamented plea: I am innocent! I was “framed”!

May not be the “best” choice of words---considering…the photos! Not too good!? Hmm!

 

Anybody with a “new” car in for some “free” expert driving lessons!? (I thought not!)

 

Ah! Cookie Jar Sweet “innocent-deer” Memories!