Day 117
Carl pulling
Sharon Kunzelmann into the pool when
she was fully
clothed, right down to her red heels.
Yeah!
I am a rebel, rascal, rogue, rapscallion! I’m good at it---I…practice!
Do?
Well! We had this property on the bluff looking westward into neighboring
Missouri for about thirty miles or so; I still miss those gorgeous sunsets
after several decades. Umm! Umm!
I put in a swimming pool (for the
“kids”---me…being the biggest of the urchins). Anyway, we had some humdinger
pool parties; “sometimes”, they say, I
got a “little” out of control!
Who!? Me!? I’m not crazy!?
Well!---Maybe”...just a bit? Sometimes! Full-moon
time!? Hmm! I always did wonder if those fences were to keep”them” in---or,
“me”…out? Hmm!
Daughter
Beth made friends with a cute little girl name of Sonja who just happened to
be Mormon/ Now, I am tolerant (live and let live and all that such doings) and
her mother’s religious preference had absolutely nothing to do with me throwing
her “highness” in the deep end of the swimming pool that day I invited their
family for a party, bar-b-que and swimming.
Living
in the country, we had a fine herd of wild whitetail deer as friendly
neighbors.
Our
“guest” was dressed to the “9’s” or as close as one can get to that enviable
pinnacle in my “country” neighborhood. Sculpted waves of dark hair coiffured to
“stylish” excellence, crisp white button blouse, white, snug fitting,
“tasteful” slacks with thin red belt and high heeled strap-on red shoes to
complete the elegant ensemble; the petite manikin perfectly arranged for
photos. Now? Tell me! Please! How could “simple-me” possibly know the lady
could not swim a stroke?
That
“little” boy demon in me came rushing forward; I already sensed the manner of
the lady’s treatment of her spouse who seemed to have nothing to say. Her
“highness” exuded an affluent attitude toward things in general---and, I
sensed…me, in particular.
Polite
“gentleman” that I am (or, can be), I got onto the diving board, wearing
appropriate “pool” garb and pretended to see “deer” in the pasture across the
creek. Getting excited, I pointed in an excited manner; soon, I had the full
peanut-gallery’s attention---including…Miss
Priss!
Oh!
How she wanted to see the deer; I was ready, willing and able to show her. And,
how!
As
the “princess” naively climbed onto the
diving board behind me, being the exquisite “gentleman” that I aspire to be,
one day, I politely grasped her wrists and “helped” the little deer “balance”
on the springy, thin board so that she would not “accidentally” fall in the 8’
deep end and ruin that erudite, sophisticated presentation! Oh! Yeah!
As
I walked backwards on the diving board, pulling my victim (er---I mean…”guest”)
further along the plank (er---I mean…viewing platform), as God is my witness, I
meant to let go of my “death-grip” hold on her. As I plunged into the water,
having run out of diving board length, the last vision I saw as my head went
under was the “fashion-model” Princess flailing her arms in a vain effort to
regain her balance (and, dignity). I knew that I had gone too far---this
time…again!
I
stayed under as long as my breath held as I did not want to reap the
consequences of my “innocent” prank-trick. Finally, choosing “punishment” over
drowning, I surface.
Her
“Elegance” bobbed to the surface, eye glasses askew, hair---ruined,
clothes…fresh from the washing machine. She “swam” to the side---like an
Olympian!...I never charged her for swimming lessons! As I tried in vain to
look “innocent”, her little three year old daughter yelled and cried, pointing
at “innocent” me because I had hurt her mommy. Who!? Me!? Her husband laughed
so hard at her that I thought he might fall in the pool, to (Oh! NO! Not another swimming lesson!?). I still believe my little “game” that fine summer sunny
afternoon when I gave “needed” humble-swimming lessons to the lady precipitated
their eventual divorce.
Looking
every bit the part of a “drowned rat”, our newly designated “champion” swimmer
had brought a chocolate cake to our little gathering by the pool with
bar-b-que; her first fiat after escaping the a double-edged attempt of her own
demise (drowning and the “Great white” shark a.k.a. swimming instructor!) let
Simple I know that delicious chocolate cake was NOT to be consumed by the
likes of me! Not a single crumb! And, after she dried off and donned some of 12-year
old daughter Beth’s clothes (which regained “some” of her appropriated dignity),
she kept her word; of course, being the rascal I am (or, was---years ago!) I
snuck a big piece of the cake only to find that not only did she require
swimming lessons---but…could have benefitted from my culinary skills, as well.
(just a “polite” non-revengeful opinion). Actually, I joke, the cake was quite
good! (Sort of like eating---crow…with
your foot in your mouth!)
Our
guest family had taken on an exchange student from Norway who we all called
Jay” because the erudite Americans could not linguistically master a Norwegian
15-letter handle.
A few weeks after the expert, successful
“swimming” lesson, the two families got together for a visit. Good ole “Jay”
had a surprise in store for the swimming instructor---Yes!,,,Indeed!
Ole
“Jay” had had his trusty 35 mm SLR camera on hand that infamous day and he had
the pictures developed to “tell-the-truth” of the tale. (Damn! Foreigners!
Can’t trust them!)
I,
of course, and, quite naturally, had denied any “intent” to throw the fine lady
into the pool.
Oh!
Sure enough! I was accused by the suspect skeptics---but…I am innocent! I tell you!
Well!?
The developed photos disclosed that even if
I had relented in my grasping of her wrists---the relinquishing of her
incarceration was…way beyond too
late! Looked very “intentional”! My defense (not a
confession-of-purposed-transgression)---How in hell can I teach a novice to
swim like Michael Phelps…if I can’t get them into the water!? Amen!?
Amen!
Like
any “guest”-of-a-warden in a federal facility felon convicted by the obvious
“evidence”, I offer my strident bellicose lamented plea: I am innocent! I was
“framed”!
May
not be the “best” choice of words---considering…the photos! Not too good!? Hmm!
Anybody with a
“new” car in for some “free” expert driving lessons!? (I thought not!)
Ah! Cookie Jar Sweet “innocent-deer” Memories!